Pig Problems

A few months ago, I had submitted an Application to the University of Chicago. However, I got rejected. I just stumbled across one of the essays I had written for the application. While submitting the essay, I was pretty proud of my humor and wit, which I thought was impressive. But, now I can't think of why I would submit that essay.
Nevertheless, I thought that the creative essay should see daylight. So here it is.

Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History... a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is here.
—Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB'18

I found a Course called 'Big Problems' on the UChicago website and boom, my head exploded with this wacky essay.

Pig Problems 🐖

I have been interested in Pig Problems from the day I was born. I have also interned as a pig during my summer break. Interning as a pig was very easy as my personality is very similar. I love rolling around in the mud. It keeps my skin fresh and moisturised. Me and my friend Piggy the pig go swimming in the mud puddle across the street every week. I enjoy swimming in the mud way more than piggy even though she is a pig and I am a human. Piggy and me have been best friends for the past 15 years. I believe it is my closeness with her that makes me more curious about pigs. I am the perfect student for pig studies at UChicago because I know all about pig behaviour as I have lived in a pig pen for all my life.

I am the best qualified person to talk about pig problems as I actually have experienced the problems, a pig faces. When I interned as a pig, my owner locked me up in my pen for a month and didn’t give me a bath nor did he let me roll in the mud. My skin was burning hot and I was sweating all the time. Also, my owner was a very mean person. Once, he hit my friend Piggy. These are the major problems that a pig faces.

2019, is the year of the pig according to Chinese Zodiac calendar. Hence, this is the best year for me to study pig problems. By the end of the year, I can guarantee you that I would have created a better place for pigs to live in. By 2020, I will make this planet the best place for pigs to live in. For this I have already started inventing various devices to solve pig problems. Here are a few.

 I have also designed a custom mud fountain for pigs to play in. This will allow pigs to get mud all over their bodies much easily. I am also planning to build a mud sprinkler for pigs. This will enable pigs to have mud over their bodies without rolling in the open. My machine will provide them with more time to do productive things like watching Netflix.

Other ideas to improve a pig's life include launching a Netflix series staring Pigs. Pigs are one of the most talented animals. So, I am planning to collaborate with Netflix to launch a stand-up comedy show by pigs for pigs. As you can see, I am the most eligible candidate for the pig problems course in University of Chicago.

Hoping to see you soon at University of Chicago!

Charu Veluthoor

I guess the world knows why I got rejected from UChicago Now!